
EDCAP A . WFIRNEfP Sl CO. 



Edgar S. Wei 






Two-Character Plays 

(That is Each Play Has Two Characters) 



Specially Recommended and Published by 

EDGAR S. WERNER ® COMPANY, 43 East 19th St., New YorK 



Awakening of Galatea. 25c. illus- 
trated Romantic Statue Scene from play 
"Pygmalion and Galatea," by W. S. Gil- 
bert, im, if. 30 min. Arranged and poses 
by Helen M. Schuster. Photographs from 
life. Greek costumes. The gods grant ar- 
tist's prayer to have his woman statue come 
to life. Her awakening to life and to 
love, and the predicament the artist (who 
is married) finds himself in, make a dainty 
and interesting play, suitable for children 
or adults. 

Backward Child. 15c. h. l. c. Pem 

berton. Farce Comedy in i act. 20 min. 
2i. Elderly governess is engaged for "a 
backward child," who turns out saucy, pre- 
cocious and badly spoiled, and who makes 
first lesson such a torment to governess that 
she decides to resign to great delight of 
child. 

BOX Of Powders. 15c. Farcical Ro- 

mantic Courting Scene in i act. i hour, 
im, if. Young widow, having set up in 
window dummy of old man to make good 
her foolish story to an admirer that she 
had an old and infirm husband, is fright- 
ened by admirer's (who has learned of 
her deception by use of telescope) threat 
to force an entrance to her apartment into 
showing willingness to marry a colonel, 
who has called, and who, because of plas- 
ters on his feet, has been in agony and 
has been going through ridiculous antics 
and subterfuges to explain his conduct. 

Breaking the Ice. 15c. c. Thomas. 

Romantic Comedy in i act. 50 min. im, 
if. Young couple, whose parents have 
planned their marriage, meet by chance in 
inn (the girl running from home to avoid 
meeting man whom she has never seen, 
the man going to her house to keep the 
parents' engagement) and like each other 
so well that, on finding the other's identity, 
become engaged on the spot and go to girl's 
home. 

Confederates, The. 15c. Comedy Court- 
ing Scene in i act. 15 min. im, if. To 
bring dilatory lover to marriage proposal, a 
girl, under pretext of warding off old ob- 
jectionable lover planning to propose, gets 
lover to pretend an engagement just for 
one evening at ball, result being a real, 
permanent engagement. 



Crystal Gazer. 15c. L.Montague. Far- 
cical Portune-teller Scene in i act. 30 
min. 2 f. Mistaking girl seeking lover's 
address for another girl looking for lost 
poodle, a fortune-teller gets things ridicu- 
lously mixed, getting out of scrape by in- 
formation in letter from lover, who like- 
wise was looking for girl's address, written 
by him on his cuff, which he "inadvertently 
sent to the wash." 

Fast Friends. 15c. R. Henry. Comedy 
Play. 30 min. 2 f. Two women, intimate 
friends, who had never met the other's hus- 
band, in telling of their having met, at a 
concert and lecture, men who spoke of their 
unappreciative wives, learn that their own 
husbands had schemed to cure their wives of 
visiting so much. 

Happy Ending. 15c. B. Moore. Ro- 
mantic Pathos Play in i act. 35 min. 2L 
Woman, who as young wife had wrongly 
deserted husband and baby, when middle- 
aged is so lonely that she advertises for 
companion. Her own daughter, whom she 
does not know, gets the position and suc- 
ceeds in reconciling her parents, to their 
mutual happiness. 

He, She and It. 15C. Wm. Muskerry. 
Comedy Matrimonial Scene in i act. 30 
min. im, if. Young wife, having worked 
herself into hysterics because of husband's 
lateness on evening of her birthday, scolds 
unceasingly, not giving him chance to ex- 
plain; but when he produces presents for 
herself and baby, is ashamed and happy to 
become reconciled. 

Husband in Clover. 15c. H. c. Meri- 

vale. Farcical Matrimonial Scene in i act^' 
i hour. im, if. Young husband, ennuic * 
with placid life with loving and devotei 
wife, expresses his discontent by writing 
in book praises of other girls he thinks he 
might have married. His wife, reading 
these entries unbeknown to him, cures his 
nonsense by simulating the various charac- 
teristics he thinks so commendable in others 
but lacking in his own wife. 

Little Flirts. 35c. Clara Macmonagle- 
Britten. Illustrated Flirtation Dance and 
Pantomime. For i boy and i girl, or 2 
girls, one dressed as boy. Music and full 
directions given. 9 photographs from life. 



List of Two-Character Plays Continued on Third Cover Parfe of ThU BooK 



The Parson's Greetings 



Romantic Comedy in two acts 
1 m 10f 

1 Hour 



By GAIL KENT. 



mm 



<U^§fl? 



25 cents 



EDGAR S. WERNER & COMPANY 

43 East 19th Street 

NEW YORK 



Copyright, 1912, by Edgar S. Werner 



©CI.D 29515 

1^7 - / 



The Parson's Greetings 

CHARACTERS. 

Richard Thomas, young bachelor minister. 
Daisy Lee, his fiancee, young and pretty. 
Maggie OToole, Irish servant at Mr. Thomas's. 
Slavey, at Mr. Thomas's boarding-place. (Can double 

with one of speaking parts in Act. II.) 
Miss Susie Simper, very sentimental elderly woman. 
Miss Lizzie Snippers, sharp-tongued elderly woman. 
Mrs. Portly, president Ladies' Sewing-Circle. 
Mrs. Placid, large and easy-going style of woman. 
Mrs. Moneybanks, very autocratic wealthy woman. 
Mrs. Fuddle, excitable type of woman. 
Mrs. Pickles, sour-faced type, tempery woman. 



COSTUMES. 



Richard Thomas, clerical garb. 

Daisy Lee, girlish afternoon dress and hat. 

Maggie OToole, calico house dress, gingham apron, red hair. 

Slavey, soiled dress and apron. Hair unkempt. 

Miss Susie Simper, dressed too young for her years; gay ribbon 
on hair. 

Miss Lizzie Snippers, very neat plain clothes. 

Mrs. Portly, showily dressed, white hair, bonnet with outstand- 
ing flower that nods whenever head bobs. 

Mrs. Placid, dainty, simple gown with white fichu crossing on 
bosom, motherly way of dressing hair. 

Mrs. Moneybanks, flashily dressed, hair banded with gold bands, 
many jewels. 

Mrs. Fuddle, carelessly dressed, hair in pompadour, very crooked ; 
hat on one side. 

Mrs. Pickles, very prim costume, thin, severely plain hair; very 
plain bonnet; stands too erect. 



4 THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

ACT I. 

Rev. Mr. Thomas's study. Desk C. Books everywhere. Hat 
and coat on chair or nail. 

Rev. T. [finishes writing note, picks it up and reads aloud]. 
"And so may ( the New Year bring you much joy, and many oppor- 
tunities to uplift your brother, and thus to glorify your own life. 
And may our church, strengthened by your interest and prayers" — 
[knock at door]. Come in! [Folds note and adds it to a heap 
already written.] 

[Enter Maggie R., package and letters in hand. Brings 
them to desk.] 

Maggie. If ye plaze, sir, it's the mail man's been an' lift ye 
some letthers, an' the landlady tould me to bring thim up ter yez, 
an' axe if there's onythin' ye'd be loikin' me ter do for yez; a bit 
o' dustin' maybe, or tidy in' up yer papers? [Gazes at him admir- 
ingly.'] 

Rev. T. Oh, thank you, Maggie. [Looks at address on pack- 
age.] No, the room is all right, I think. But I shall have a num- 
ber of letters to go on the afternoon mail. If I should be away, 
perhaps you will be kind enough to make sure they are posted. 

Maggie. Sure I'm the kind-hearted one ! I'll be afther puttin' 
thim into the mail man's hands mesilf, sir. 

[Exit Maggie R.] 

Rev. T. [Opens package, takes out a number of notes with no 
envelopes, reads letter that accompanied package slowly, frowning 
and showing signs of agitation.] 
"Dear Mr. Thomas : 

"I feel our engagement is a mistake, and for the 
best good of both you and myself should no longer 
exist. I return your notes and ask you to return 
mine. Forgive me if I seem unkind, for I feel that I 
am doing the only right thing, and that a continua- 
tion of our engagement would be a great wrong. 
"Very sincerely yours, 

"Daisy Lee." 

Rev. T. [Sits at desk, resting head on hand. Takes framed 



THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

photograph of girl from desk and addresses it.] Daisy, what have 
I done? I thought you cared for me as I cared for you! Well, 



thought you 
I'm not to be thrown aside like this ! You'll have to explain to 
me, face to face. [Puts letters she has returned at left side of desk. 
Letters he has been writing are at right side of desk. Knock at 
door.] Come in! 

[Enter Maggie R. with Mellow envelope. She is followed 
by Slavey, zvho is very slatternly and who carries flannel 
rags and furniture polish.] 
Maggie. If yer plaze, sir, a bye jist come wid this telegrafth, 
an' me misthress writ yer name in a book an' sint me up wid it, 
hopin' it ain't no bad news, sir. [Turns to Slavey.] Mrs. Murphy 
said not to get oil on the carpet a-polishin' up thim chairs. [Slavey 
shakes head violently to indicate she will not be careless.] 
Slavey. Mhmh [meaning "no"]. 

[Slavey gets on knees and begins polishing rungs of 
chair. Comedy is in her awkward poses and repetition of 
"mhmh" for "yes," and "no."] 

Rev. T. [tearing open envelope, reads aloud]. "Railroad acci- 
dent. My husband seriously injured. Come at once." 

Maggie. Och, sir ! If yer plaze, sir, who's afther bein injured? 

Rev. T. One of my former parishioners and a very old friend. 
[Pulls out watch.] I've just ten minutes to catch the train. [Re- 
gretfully looks at telegram.] I'm sorry to hear such news ! [Speaks 
hurriedly.] Will you put these letters at the right side of my desk 
in these addressed envelopes [indicating stack of envelopes in mid- 
dle of desk], seal them, and mail them? They're my New Year 
greetings to my parishioners and must be mailed this afternoon — 
one letter in each envelope. The greetings are all alike, so any 
note can go into any envelope. If I catch that train I can't stop 
to attend to them myself. Tell Mrs. Murphy, please, that I will 
drop her a line when to expect me back. Take this for your 
trouble, Maggie [hands her money], and good-bye. [Picks up hat 
from chair. Exits hastily R.] 

Maggie [to Slavey]. It's an illigint lad he is, onyhow! 

Slavey. Mhmh [meaning "yes"). 



6 THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

Maggie. I ain't able to read inesilf, but if the envelopes is all 
written on, an' onyone of thim writin's will go in onyone of thim 
envelopes, it's mesilf will lick the invelopes wid plaishure, same as 
they do be gum-drops, an' han' thim wid me own two fists to Billy 
Wheeler, the mail man. [To Slavey.] Don't twist off the leg of 
the chair! Anyone woold think yez was pullin' a tooth! \ Comes 
close to desk.] All the saints go wid Mr. Thomas — the han'some 
bye he is ! An' sure the pulsitations of me heart coom nigh to 
sufficatin' me when I'm in the same room wid him. 

Slavey [puts hand to her own heart']. Mhmh [?yes"\. 

Maggie. Bad 'cess to the loikes of you presumin' to look up 
to the loikes of him! Shine your chairs! [Slavey meekly re- 
sumes work.] Och, musha ! If that ain't a picthure of Judge 
Lee's daughter a-lookin' sthraight at me on this desk. [Picks up 
picture.] She's the gurl he's so often sindin' me over to whin me 
work's done, wid the notes he's afther bein' so fond o' writin' her. 
Ain't it somethin' therrible an' ridiculous, the way the gurls in this 
town, the whole kit o' 'em, is a-settin' their caps- for the poor bye 
[sets picture down], an' him a-sayin' to me most ivery Saturday 
mornin', "Maggie, if ony o' the young ladies calls to-day, will yez 
plaze be afther tellin' thim that it's bizzy I am wid me sairmon, 
an' I'll be glad to see thim another day. But be sure, Maggie, 
if it's onybody, a man, woman, or child, maybe, what looks in 
throuble, you jist coom right up an' call me." 

Slavey [sniveling]. Mhmh ["yes"]\ 

Maggie. I niver yet saw anither bye what warn't tickled to 
death when the gurls was head over heels gone on him. Men's a 
consated lot, the whole o' thim, but him, the pairfect gintlemoon 
o' him, seems worritted by the gurls, an' nowhere so set up in an- 
as Policeman Burke, what thought he had me an' Annie Doolan 
on the sthring to oncet, as if I'd have an eye to that gawky, red- 
headed Michael Burke, whin me heart's near breakin' wid me in- 
flatuation for the minister. [Pulls out handkerchief and cries. 
Slavey weeps too, and wipes eyes with flannel polishing rag. — 
Severely.] Shtop shnivelin' and shine your chairs ! [Slavey re- 
sumes work.] But I must be tindin' to me bizziness or the mis- 



THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 7 

thress'll be comin' home from the shtore an' axin' me why ain't 
the dinner cookin'. [Picks up an envelope.] Ain't it the illigint 
writher he is, an' I do be wishin' I could be readin' the worruds o' 
him. [Looks at Daisy's letters on left side of desk.] Faix, an' 
it's hard up for paper the poor bye is, for these greetings as he 
called thim looks ould an' crumpled loike. But it ain't himself as 
kin afford luxuries wid so mony poor folk a-beggin' of him night 
an' day, 'n' him bein' so hard on his shirts 'n' stockin's ! [Picks 
up one of Daisy's letters.] Now, I'll shtick this one into the en- 
velope, an' paste it down, an' all the rist o' thim. [Puts Daisy's 
notes into envelopes, seals them.] Och, an' I wish it was pro- 
posals of marriage to mesilf from the Reverend Richard Thomas 
that I was a-pasthin' here. 

Slavey. Mhmh. [Clasps hands on bosom and rolls up her 
eyes.] 

Maggie. Wipe your nose an' shine thim chairs! [Slavey 
obeys.] "Greetin's," whativer thim be, to thim upper-crust hathin 
wimin, what goes to church wid their best clo'es an' mannerses, 
a-hopin' they'll kitch the bye for some o' their upstart daughters 
[seals letters one after another], an' it's niver a look he'll take at 
little Maggie Murphy at all, at all, what woold believe ivery 
worrud o' him, as quick as I would Father Malone, an' woold 
keep his shirts an' stockin's minded, wid cookin' that woold put 
flesh on his poor bones, an' shooin' away the gurls the same as I 
woold flies from me parlor, wid niver a worrud from him askin'. 
It's plain to be seen who would make a foine Mrs. Thomas. 

Slavey. [Grins self-consciously.] Mhmh! 

Maggie [yells]. Shine your chairs and shut your face ! [Slavey 
sobers up and obeys.] 

[Exit Maggie R., carrying Daisy's letters sealed in the 
freshly-addressed envelopes. Slavey makes a face at her 
as she exits, comes to middle of room, sits on floor, pulls 
apple from one pocket and piece of bread from other and 
begins to eat ravenously.] 

[curtain.] 



8 THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

ACT II. 

Church parlor. Sewing-machine L. Conch R. Table C. Chairs 
in semicircle. Doors R. and L. Muslin articles in the making- are 
scattered on floor and furniture. Each woman is busy with a 
separate piece. 

Miss Sippers [at sewing-machine ; stops machine and looks at 
ladies]. I hearn as how he left mighty sudden. Run all the way 
to the train, an' I want to tell this sewin'-society I've got reason to 
believe it's just as well he went as fast as he did. 

Mrs. Pickles. There's usually some reason an' some disgrace 
mixed up in it when a young man clears out of town on the day 
of prayer-meetin' night. 

Mrs. Placid. It may be he's sufferin' with some sorrow what 
many of us don't know about — will you pass me the thread, Mrs. 
Pickles, please? — an' they ain't nothin' like a change of scene to 
cure sorrow, you know. 

Mrs. Portly. I met Maggie Murphy, who works where Mr. 
Thomas boards, and she said he had a telegram that one of his old 
church-members was hurt, and he had to go out to see him at 
once. That excuse will do as well as any ! Mrs. Murphy, his land- 
lady, couldn't come to sewing-circle to-day — the shears, please, 
Mrs. Placid — or we would have heard the right of the matter. 
I'm inclined to think, and I'm the last one to think ill of anyone, 
that he had good reason for skipping town. My husband, who is 
chairman of the trustees, you know, will have the matter thor- 
oughly investigated; and there is another matter, too, which con- 
cerns our minister, which will be thoroughly investigated. But I 
will say no more of that. I never indulge in gossip, you know. 

Mrs. Moneybanks. I am inclined to agree with Mrs. Placid 
that a great sorrow may have come to our young minister. We 
must use considerable charity in our judgment, for even money 
cannot heal a broken heart. 

Miss Snippers. Well, it can do considerable toward mendin' 
it, Mrs. Moneybanks. 

Miss Simper. Please pass the basting-thread, Mrs. Portly. 



THE PARSON'S GREETINGS c 

[Threads needle, speaks affectedly.] It may be, Mrs. Pickles, that 
some love-affair has come into our young minister's life; and, not 
knowing how tenderly another heart beats in response to his own, 
he hastens away from the home of his loved one, fearing to learn 
his fate. 

Mrs. Pickles. Stuff 'n' nonsense ! If a young man's got an 
honest love affair, it ain't no reason that I can see why he should 
clear out of town. 

Miss Snippers. No, it ain't, Susie Simper, an' if you'd pay 
more attention to your work, an' try less to scare up a love-affair 
for Mr. Thomas, you wouldn't be gatherin' the hem of that apron 
'stead of the top. 

[Miss Simpers sees mistake and reverses apron.] 
Mrs. Placid. I guess Susie ain't the only one that's upsot this 
afternoon, what with the minister going away so sudden, and 
stories all over town about him. 

[Suppressed excitement is evident. Ladies all shake out 
their sezving agitatedly, then return it to their laps.] 

Mrs. Portly. Yes, I'm thoroughly upset myself, I confess. I 
had such a good opinion of Mr. Thomas. It was only a short 
time ago, I had a good opportunity to talk with Daisy Lee. I told 
her I had heard rumors of an engagement between her and Mr. 
Thomas; and I felt, since she is a motherless girl, her father all 
wrapped up in his law-books, and her aunt in the housekeeping, 
that it was my duty to talk with her. [Ladies all hitch chairs 
closer to speaker.] I told her we all liked her real well, but there 
was no denying she was flighty, and Mightiness was the last quality 
a minister's wife ought to have. [Ladies nod to each other approv- 
ingly.] You know she's never taken much interest in church mat- 
ters until lately, and I asked her how she could feel competent 
to preside at the Dorcas Society, hold mothers' meetings, and lead 
evening services in church sometimes, beside being at-home to 
strangers and visiting the sick and dying. She wilted right down 
and said she knew Mr. Thomas needed a good practical wife, and 



10 THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

I needn't have any more fears about her being the one. I must 
say I was real pleased at her being so sensible. But now I don't 
believe he's half good enough for her. 

Mrs. Placid. Daisy's a real smart, pretty girl, and 

Miss Simper [looking off through open door L.]. Here comes 
Mrs. Fuddle for all the world like a house afire! Ain't she the 
rattle-patedest you ever see? 

Miss Snippers [leaving sewing-machine and sitting at L.]. She 
ain't so rattled over love-affairs as some folks I know. 

Miss Simper. I'll thank you for those shears, Lizzie Snippers, 
an' I don't know as I come to sewin'-circle to have slurrin' remarks 
thrown in my face. There's some as is old maids 'cause they have 
to be, an' there's some as is old maids 'cause they wants to be, an' 
I guess everybody in this town knows / don't belong to the first 
class, as some others does what ain't a thousand miles from here. 

[Enter Mrs. Fuddle breathlessly, L.] 

Mrs. Fuddle. For the land's sake, ladies, what do you suppose? 
[Sits on lounge, fans violently zvith handkerchief.] You know I've 
be'n away visitin' my husband's aunt's second husband's sister, 
Marthy Doolittle, an' I just got back. I found this letter in my 
mail-box. [Takes it out of front of dress and shows it to ladies.] 
Who do you suppose it's from? 

Miss Simper. Who? Who? 

Mrs. Fuddle. You'll never guess. [Draws sheet of paper from 
envelope.] It's from Mr. Thomas. 

All. Our Mr. Thomas? Our minister? Did he say why he 
left town? Is he coming back? What did he write to you? 

Mrs. Fuddle. Yes, our Mr. Thomas. I don't know no more 
about it than you do. But it sounds like somebody had tempted 
him to look on the wine cup when it is red ! It's the most high- 
f alutinest you ever hearn of. Want me to read it ? 

All. Oh, yes ! Do ! Read it now ! 

Mrs. Fuddle. Well [adjusts spectacles and reads] : 

"My Darling: 

"I am sitting in the twilight thinking of you. Do 



THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 11 

you know, my dear one, you are the most beautiful 
thing in all this beautiful world." 

[All laugh.] 

Mrs. Fuddle. Well, I don't see anything so funny in that ! 

[Reads again. .] 

"Sometimes I can hardly realize that you love me 
as I do you, 

" 'Until the sun grows cold, 
And the stars are old, 
And leaves of the Judgment Book unfold.' " 

[Looks around.] That's a good while, ain't it? [Reads again.'] 

"I shall be over Wednesday evening. Shall we 
find a nook in your garden where we can discuss the 
cost of living for two in a country parsonage? My 
dear, I love you ! I love you ! 

"Richard Thomas/' 

Mrs. Fuddle. Now, what on earth do you make of that? It 
gave me short-of-breathness ! An' here it is Thursday, an' come 
to find out, he warn't in town Wednesday night, let alone his com- 
ing up to my garden to talk over housekeeping. Don't that whole 
thing smack of the wine-cup? 

Miss Simper. He said "he was coming up to see me, Monday 
evening. 

All. What! You? 

Miss Simper. Yes. I don't understand it, but I got a letter 
from the minister. Maybe the other one was mine, too, and went 
to Mrs. Fuddle by mistake. He's all upset in it not knowing 
whether I'll say yes to it or not. [Shakes out sewing consciously.] 

Miss Snippers. He needn't have worried himself about that. 
[Tears a piece of muslin with loud noise.] 

Mrs. Fuddle. For the land's sake, you got one, too, Susie 
Simper? What'd he say to you? 

Miss Simper [blushing and smiling, taking it from front of 
dress]. I suppose I may as well read it, though such things are 
very sacred to oneself ! 



12 THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

''Dear One : 

"I looked at you in church this morning, and your 
sweet, pretty face lifted up to me distracted my 
thoughts until I could hardly keep my place in the 
service." 

Miss Snippers. Ridiculous! [Tears muslin.] He calls that 
a face! 

Miss Simper [goes on reading]. 

"The day has dragged. One moment I think, al- 
though I am unworthy, perhaps she will say yes, the 
next moment I am plunged in despair. I am coming 
to-morrow evening for my answer. Oh, deal merci- 
fully with me ! Richard Thomas/' 

Miss Simper [speaks sentimentally]. I think that's real touching. 

Miss Snippers. He must be crazy ! 

Miss Simper. Jealous because he didn't write it to you ! 

Mrs. Portly. Well, I may as well tell you that I received a 
letter, too. 

Mrs. Fuddle. What, you, Mrs. Portly ! 

Miss Simper. And you married, and got six children ! 

Mrs. Pickles. Ain't it shameful! [As Daisy Lee enters L.] 
Howdy ! Sit down, Miss Lee. You don't know what you've been 
missin'. 

Mrs. Portly. I wasn't sure it was from him until I heard these 
other letters, but Deacon Portly was going to investigate the mat- 
ter. I may as well read it . 

[Daisy stands quietly in order not to interrupt. Listens. 
Looks amazed, then sinks into chair at extreme L.] 

"Sweetheart : 

"If you could only know how I love you. Night 
and day I think of you. You are so young, so flower- 
like [Mrs. Portly shakes head and -flower on bonnet 
bobs], so fair, yet so true that I tremble when I think 
what great happiness has come to me. I shall be over 
to-night to tell you of a gas-stove for sale. I saw it 
to-day, and it is warranted not to scorch the daintiest 
concoctions a parson's little wife can cook. LTntil to- 
night, good-bye. Dick." 



TH£ PARSON'S GREETINGS 13 

Mrs. Fuddle. Well, if that ain't the limit ! Are there any more 
o' them letters flyin' round ? 

Miss Snippers. I don't know as that's any one's business but 
my own. 

Mrs. Fuddle. You too, Lizzie Snippers ? 

Miss Simper. Some folks ain't used to gettin' love letters ! 

Miss Snippers. I guess for a woman that's fifty if she's a day, 
an' has to have a switch an' false teeth, an' oggles every man from 
the minister to the grocery boy, you've thrown enough slurs on 
me, Susie Simper. I was calkalatin' to read the letter soon's I got 
to the end of this seam. Now, I've got to the end, I'll read it. 
It's short, but it's pack' full of foolishness an' I don't know but 
I'll see Lawyer Grey about damages. [Pulls letter from shirtwaist 
and reads.] 

"Beloved : 

"Why are you so cold to me ? How have I offend- 
ed you ? Let me come and kiss away your displeas- 
ure." 

Miss Simper. That would have been your first kiss, wouldn't 
it? [Giggles.] 

Miss Snippers [angrily]. Well, no man will ever want to kiss 
you for any reason whatever, unless he's taken leave of his senses ! 
Mr. Thomas did have sense enough to get out. [Indicates letter.] 
I ain't goin' to read the rest of it. 

Miss Simper. I guess you were just makin' up what you did 
read. 

Miss Snippers. Susie Simper, if I was so crazy for a man 
as you be 

Mrs. Placid. Now you two girls stop bickerin' an' I'll read 
you the letter I got. 

Miss Simpers and Miss Snippers [in chorus]. What? You? 

Mrs. Placid. To tell the truth, it worritted me some at first 
'cause I didn't know but he'd gone off his head, me bein' a widow 
with two grown-up sons. [Takes letter from front of waist and 
reads.] 



14 THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

"Star of My Life: 

"I was sorry not to see you last night, but I had 
to go to see poor old Mr. Jones. All the way home 
I thought of the beautiful time coming when I should 
return from sick calls to a cozy home and the sweet- 
est little wife in Christendom. You may look for me 
at half-past seven this evening. Yours, 

"Dick Thomas/' 

Mrs. Placid. In my opinion, some one ought to find out where 
he is and take him to a doctor. 

Mrs. Moneybanks. Maybe he'll have to go to a sanitorium. 
I'm inclined to think he's worryin' over money matters. [Draws 
letter from front of zvaist.] 

All. You got one, too? 

Mrs. Moneybanks [opens letter and reads]. 

"Dear One : 

"It worries me sometimes when I think what a 
change it will be for you to leave your home to live 
in a parsonage on the small income that our church 
allows. It may be that in another year they will raise 
my salary. Do you want to wait another year on un- 
certainty, dear, or are you brave enough to begin 
with what I now have?'' 

Mrs. Pickles. I guess he needn't worry none that this church 
will ever raise his salary so long's he writes letters like a love- 
cracked school-boy ! Here's what he wrote me, an' my husband's 
fightin' mad over it. 

"Dearest : 

"How long a day seems that doesn't bring a 
glimpse of your sweet self. My dear, if you could 
only know how " 

Daisy [rises, walks tozvard Mrs. Pickles, holding out hand]. 
Please don't read any more, and give me that letter, Mrs. Pickles, 
it's mine. 

Mrs. Fuddle. For the land's sake, .Daisy Lee ! What are you 
talkin' about? 



THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 15 

Mrs. Pickles. Your letter, you say? 

Daisy. Mine ! 

Mrs. Portly. How do you know it's yours ? 

Daisy. I came in when you were reading. They are letters 
written to me, and which I sent back to Mr. Thomas only the 
other day. I would like to know how you all came by them, and 
why you are reading and discussing them like this ! 

Miss Snippers. They was mailed to us, and my envelope was 
addressed in his writing. 

All. And mine ! And mine ! 

Daisy. I don't understand it. 

Miss Sim per. He mailed them all over town. Ain't that awful! 

Daisy [earnestly]. I don't believe he did it. I can't believe he 
did it. 

Mrs. Placid. Tell us about your side of it, Daisy. If they 
was your letters, why did you send them back? 

Daisy. I decided to break my engagement to him. 

Miss Simper. The idea of any woman doin' that! 

Daisy. So I sent back his letters, and that's all I know about it. 
[Begins to cry.} 

Mrs. Fuddle. For the land's sake ! 

[Minister Thomas appears in door L., but no one sees him.] 

Mrs. Placid. It's too bad, Daisy. [Pnts arm around Daisy, 
Who cries on her shoulder. ] There, there, you jest cry it out. It's 
too bad, you poor motherless girl. 

Mrs. Moneybanks. The man's crazy! 

Mrs. Portly. He's a dishonorable 

Mrs. Pickles. Underhanded 

Miss Simper. Deceitful 

Miss Snippers. Miserable 

Mrs. Placid. Two-faced 

Mrs. Moneybanks. Poverty-stricken 

Mrs. Fuddle. Wretch 

All. Villain ! Hypocrite! Thief! Good-for-nothing! 

Rev. T. [advances]. Who? 



16 THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 

All [except Daisy, pointing at him accusingly]. You! 

Rev. T. What a beautiful home-coming! 

Daisy [to all]. He's not what you say he is ! I don't under- 
stand about these letters, but I know it is just some terrible mis- 
take. Richard Thomas is a good, honorable, Christian gentleman, 
and I love him with all my heart, and if he still wants me to marry 
him, I'll do it, to show you all I still believe in him. 

Mrs. Fuddle [zvalking up, puts letter into Rev. TVs hand]. Did 
you send me that letter, sir? 

Mrs. Moneybanks [same business]. And me this one? 

Miss Simper [same business]. And me that one? [Bursts into 
tears.] 

Miss Snippers [shakes finger under his nose as she hands him 
letter]. You can't deny this is your writing. 

Mrs. Placid [taps letter before giving it to him]. I guess 
you've got considerable to explain. 

Mrs. Pickles [returning letter]. Haven't you any sense of 
shame ? 

Mrs. Portly [returning letter]. The idea! sending second- 
hand love-letters, and me, married and mother of six children. 

[Enter Maggie unobserved at L. Stands by door. She 
is gaudily dressed. ] 

Rev. T. [looks at letters, dismayed]. Why. ladies [examines let- 
ters]. These are all letters I wrote Miss Lee, to whom I was en- 
gaged ! What practical joke is this? How did you come by them? 

Mrs. Fuddle. For the land's sake ! How could we come by 
them unless you sent them to us ? 

Mrs. Portly. They every one came through the mail in your 
handwriting. 

Maggie [advancing to middle of room]. Shure, Mr. Thomas, 
may I be spakin' a very important word in your private ear in 
public ? 

Rev. T. [relieved at seeing her]. The very person I was wish- 
ing I might send for at this moment ! How comes it, Maggie, 
that you sent out these letters to my parishioners instead of the 



THE PARSON'S GREETINGS 17 

New Year greetings I told you to put into the envelopes ? I had to 
catch my train, you know 

Maggie [explains remorsefully]. I got twisted! Afther I gave 
thim greetin's to the postman I says to mesilf — "Mr. Thomas said 
for me to mail the right-hand letters, and begorra I was that ab- 
sent-minded I mailed the left-handed ones inshtead!" [All, with 
exclamations of surprise, look at each other, beginning to under- 
stand how the mistake occurred. Maggie looks around inquiringly.] 
There ain't no trouble come of it, I hope? 

Mrs. Placid [smiling sweetly]. Oh, no trouble at all! Why, 
no matter how the matter looked on the surface, we fully trust 
our beloved minister. We think there is no one so honorable 

Mrs. Moneybanks. Sensible ! 

Mrs. Fuddle. Good ! 

Mrs. Pickles. Dignified ! 

Mrs. Portly. Above reproach! 

Miss Simper. Sincere! 

Miss Snippers [only one dissenting snorts]. Hm! 

Maggie [smiles broadly]. Then, if it's all' right, I'm goin' ! 
[Goes toward door L.] Policeman Burke is waitin' outside for me. 
We're intindin' to shtep around the corner to shpake a worrud to 
Father Malone concernin' our weddin' a week from to-morrow. I 
bid ye good-afthernoon. [Exits L.] 

Mrs. Portly. Talking about weddings, Fve a confession to 
make, Mr. Thomas. I took Daisy one side a week or two ago and 
told her she was too flighty for a minister's wife 

Rev. T. [understanding^ to Daisy]. Now, I see why you wrote 
me as you did ! 

Mrs. Portly. I've changed my mind since then. You two are 
just made for each other. And I and the Deacon — if you still 
want to get married — will see what we can do about having your 
salary raised. 

Rev. T. Thank you, Mrs. Portly. Good news. [Enthusiastic- 
ally.] Daisy! [Takes her hands in his.] 

Mrs. Placid. And we sewin'-society ladies will all unite in 



lg THE PARS OX'S GREETINGS 

givin' you as a weddin'-token of regard-]/^ white article on 
which she has been working]. . 

All [with enthusiasm, each waving piece of white sewing m 
axr\. A White Shower! 

[They continue to wave.] 

[curtain.] 




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Morning Call. 15c. C. Dance. Romantic 
Comedy in i act. i hour, im, if. Party 
of men at English country house bet that 
a young widow can be made to break her 
resolution not to remarry, and appoint a 
fascinating one of their number to make 
the trial. Informed of the bet through 
woman friend, widow is prepared, and so 
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Needles and Pins. 50c. Helen M. Schus- 
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logue for im, if. Can be given by 2_f. 
This is the well-known song bringing in 
"Needles and pins, when a man marries 
his trouble begins." Words by F. E. 
Weatherly; music by F. N. Lohr. In sheet 
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"Nettle, The." 15C. E. Warren. Ro- 
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Man, considering himself traduced by news- 
paper, calls at office to whip editor, but 
meets and falls in love with editor's pretty 
sister, who is nice to him because she mis- 
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girl for her brother's use on belligerent 
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Olga; or, The Franco=Russian Spy. 

25c. W. F. Trayes. Drama, im, if. 40 
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pers she holds incriminating husband of 
woman Inspector loves and whom he would 
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papers found on him, and on Inspector's 
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Pair of Lunatics. 15c. w. R. Walkes. 

Romantic Comedy Mad-house Scene in 1 
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woman, invi ed guests at ball at insane 
asylum, mistake each other for insane, and 
do all sorts of stunts to get out of their 
supposed predicament. 

Poe's Wife, Death of, Scene from. 

35c. J. Mount Bleyer. From unpublished 
play. im, if. 10 min. Watching by the 
bedside of his dying wife Poe, under the 
stimulation of opium, composes his famous 
poem, "The Raven." WR19. 

Those Landladies. 15c. Ina L. Cassilis. 

Comedy Boarding-house Scene in 1 act. 15 
min. 2f. English landlady (typical) enters 
young ladv lodger's room to dust and in- 
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with letter from sweetheart, making re- 
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to her, resulting in comical confusion. 
When young lady notes landlady's presence 
she indignantly leaves room, followed by 
uncomplimentary comments from landlady. 



Show of Hands. 15c. W. R. Walkes. 
Romantic Comedy in 1 act. 40 min. im, 
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date girl declines to communicate her flirt- 
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Their Graduating Essays. 15c. Elise 

West. Comedy Play. 1 act. 20 min. 2f. 
Two school girls confer in writing gradua- 
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May end with unseen chorus. 

Trial Performance. 25c. Pauline Phelps. 

Comedy Play. 1 act. 2f. 15 min. Scene 
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country girl determined to get a hearing, 
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Two Jolly Girl Bachelors. 15c. 

E. Martin-Seymour. Romantic Farce in 1 
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woman crank, believe that their lives will 
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Villain and Victim. 15c. W. R. Walkes. 

Farcical Matrimonial Scene in 1 act. 40 
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Wager. 15 c. F. W. Kitchel. Comedy 
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PANTOMIME 

Swor6 of 
IRobert £♦ Xee 

Poem by FATHER RYAN 




Eight Full-figure Illustrations from Life. 
Directions for 'Pantomiming and Reciting 



PUBLISHED IN TWO PARTS 

Part I. Beautiful sheet (16^x23 inches) in colors, with large 
portrait of Lee, pantomimic illustrations from life illustrating 
poem "Sword of Robert E. Lee," illustration of Lee's Sword, 
and of Confederate Flag (in colors). This picture is intend- 
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Confederate gray wood frame, it makes a beautiful home 
picture. 

Part II. Artistic booklet (7 x 9V£ inches) extra heavy fine 
paper. Cover is embossed, and has photographic reproduc- 
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booklet contains poem "Sword of Robert E. Lee" and 
directions for pantomiming and reciting. Splendid souvenir 
for Lee's Birthday, Confederate Day, and other occasions. 

Price $1., postpaid, for the two parts 

Each part is mailed separately. 




Order direcl from the Publishers : 

EDGAR S. WERNER & COMPANY 

43 East 19th Street, NEW YORK 




